Bedding

Okay, this one's going to seem a little weird, but bear with me. I was feeling pretty bad last night. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. I had a headache and a stomachache. I was generally just not feeling well. But yesterday I had seen pillows for sale at my Walmart Neighborhood Market (you know, the kind that's just a grocery store and generally doesn't have things like pillows) and bought one. When I woke up this morning I felt so much better. Part of it I attribute to not having my neck be "supported" by a pillow that was almost completely flat in the middle. I should have replaced it months ago but I don't have a car so couldn't walk to any stores that sold pillows because they were too far away. Seriously though, how your bed feels makes a difference. I've heard it from multiple sources that a good way to help with depression is to wash your sheets frequently. I have absolutely no idea why it works, but I've tried it and it actually does. Sleep is supposed to be the great healer. Everyone always talks about the importance of a good night's sleep. So why shouldn't the place you sleep be important as well? I've already mentioned the importance of having a clean room on this blog, but what about having your bed be fresh? Clean sheets, a new pillow...give it a shot. The physical difference is real.

Goals

Having goals, or something to look forward to, really helps me keep going. I like making lists. I have had a notebook containing my bucket list in it since I was seventeen years old and finally decided I wanted to live. Over the years I have taken great pleasure in checking off some of the boxes. Graduating high school. Getting my first kiss. Swimming with a dolphin (that one was particularly exciting). Goals help revamp my energy as well as giving me something to look forward to. Today I started another list with the goal of buying all the books I have checked out from the library/read more than five times over the course of my life (give or take). I am a huge reader, so this is a daunting task. So far I’ve compiled a list of 72 books that fit this criterion and I’m probably missing a bunch. But for some reason I’m really excited about the prospect of seeing this list grow smaller and my collection grow bigger. It gives me something to look forward to, even though this will probably take years to accomplish and I’ll end up getting most (if not all) thoroughly secondhand. Filling up a bunch of bookshelves is a relatively minor goal. But goal setting in general helps keep you focused on moving forward so I highly recommend it, especially for when things get tough.

Someone Who Gets It

I don’t know why, but I find it extremely helpful when I talk to someone who has had similar mental illness related experiences to me. When that happens I can be completely candid and tell it like I see it/feel it without having to worry about being misconstrued or seen as a total weirdo or get false sympathy or anything like that. When I talk to someone who’s also been there (if not in 100% the same way, because no two cases are exactly the same) I feel validated. I feel less alone. I feel like there’s somebody who gets it and that’s important. I have often said that depression is the great isolator, but honestly, all mental illness tends to be isolating. It twists your head around until you believe that you are completely alone and no one else could possibly understand so why bother? Talking to someone else who knows a little of what you are going through helps dispel these concerns. I’ve found personally that talking about it does help (unless of course you’re talking about it 24/7 and not allowing yourself to move forward), but it works so much better if the person you’re talking to actually understands as opposed to someone who loves you but just doesn’t get it and often accidentally says the wrong thing. I have several people in my life who I love dearly and appreciate when they try to make me feel better but it just doesn’t work. Talking about it with someone who legitimately understands is surprisingly therapeutic. Especially if you’re both working towards similar goals and can bounce ideas off each other. I did that a little bit earlier this week and it really helped me.

Something I Saw On Facebook

So I saw this post on Facebook that spoke to me. It said, "Suffering from depression? Just exercise a lot, socialize more, eat better, and do all the other things depression prevents you from doing." The sarcasm in that post was beautiful. Seriously though. People expect a lot of us when we aren't feeling up to doing things that will make us feel better. I know that a lot of the things I post about on here are of that nature (I'm sorry!) because they're things I've tried that have worked for me with my depression. I'm aware that it can still probably seem like "ugh, well you don't know anything." Believe me, I know. There are many aspects of depression that are very individualistic so obviously there isn't some big cure-all. I'm just trying to offer up a few ideas that I've seen work before. Options. Options are good. So I would like to apologize for being "that person" sometimes. I especially hate when people tell me to exercise. I know that it helps because of the few times I've done it. But a good 96% of the time I just can't muster the energy or motivation or anything to do it and end up being a burrito of sadness cocooned in a blanket or two staring blankly at a TV screen when people give me that little nugget of advice. None of this stuff works anyway unless you want it to. Wanting to get better is half the battle. I was actively suicidal (wanting to kill myself) for two years before transitioning to passively suicidal (wanting to die but not wanting to actually end my life) for another two years before getting to just plain depressed (everything feels pointless but I want to live). I wasn't able to move from active to passive until I decided I wanted to live. It took a while to get out of that mindset because I'd been stuck in it for so long but I was able to get out. No matter how deep you are in, it is possible to get out. Just keep trying. No matter what, keep trying until you find things that work for you. You can do this. I believe in you.

Things Get Better

I have been pretty depressed the past few days. But then today at work I started thinking about how I'm going to be twenty in two months. I didn't even think I'd make it to seventeen. Honestly, I was planning to kill myself the day before my seventeenth birthday because sixteen was the worst year of my life and every year from ten to sixteen had just gotten worse and worse and I didn't think I'd be able to handle a year that was worse than sixteen. I didn't want to risk it. Now here I am almost three years later and I am grateful to be alive every day. Even on the really, really bad days where the depression and anxiety threaten to crush me I am still glad that I'm still here and still have a chance to make things better. Even when things started to get better a couple years ago it was still incredibly hard and I barely noticed that things were any better at all until I got an outsider's perspective from my mom. Even now, when things are infinitely better than they were even six months ago, I still have moments where I believe my life is completely miserable and want to give up. I was certainly feeling that way a few weeks ago, helpless, and like I was stuck in a bad situation permanently. Then things started to get better. I got out of my toxic living environment with roommates who treated me like I was pond scum last weekend. Now I have a roommate that could very easily become a good friend. Just tonight I heard back from someone I interviewed with offering me a job so I can quit the job that's currently draining me of all energy and willpower. Things felt completely hopeless on both of these counts two weeks ago. I was a mess and felt like my life was spiraling out of control and that nothing would ever be okay and I'd just be stuck in those bad situations forever. Now I'm free. I promise you, if you don't give up, things will get better. I can't guarantee when. It might seem like it takes forever. But it will happen. Don't give up, no matter what the situation is or how you feel about it. You can do this. I believe in you.

Why Me

Don't ask yourself that question. It's seriously unhealthy. Earlier today I went on a sort of "why me" binge and left it feeling more depressed than ever. Then I thought about it. Asking "why me" doesn't make the situation better. It doesn't make you feel like anything is going to be okay. It facilitates the depression. It makes it worse. Asking "why me" is toxic, especially if you're trying to heal. Asking "why me" basically is your way of validating to yourself that your life sucks, you suck, everything sucks, and so you don't have to do anything to get out of it because there is nothing that can be done. I am guilty of this! But when I am able to think rationally I realize how unproductive and problematic it really is. Don't ask yourself "why me." Ask yourself what you can do to try to make things better, no matter how much you may think that things will never get better. That is a lie your brain is feeding to you. Things can always get better. Don't let yourself ask those bad questions that hinder progress and make things worse. If you catch yourself, stop yourself in your tracks.