New Years

I have always had a really hard time at the end of December because everyone is talking about New Years' resolutions and the like, which can be difficult if you have depression. What's the point if you're going to fail anyway? Next year will be just as bad as this year was. Why even try this year? All of these are thoughts I've had over the past several years the week after Christmas and even after January starts. Sometimes they even persist throughout the year. Here are a couple of things I've found helpful: 1) Make small, attainable goals. When I'm depressed I feel like a failure, and being able to complete goals, no matter how insignificant they may seem, really boosts my self-esteem and keeps me going. 2) Find something to look forward to. Whether it be a concert, a trip, or a new skill you want to learn by taking classes, find something you can look forward to later in the year and save up for or work towards. That can help the new year seem less pointless. 3) Don't set absolutely unrealistic New Years' resolutions. It's basically setting yourself up for misery because if you have a completely unattainable goal such as "don't be depressed all year," when you can't achieve it, you may end up beating yourself up for something out of control and spiral downward. I really don't recommend that. I am a perfectionist. Believe me, I know how it goes. It's happened many times before and is now something I try to avoid. The new year can bring new, better opportunities, even though I know it's hard to see them. This time last year I felt completely hopeless and inadequate, but this year has ended up being better than I could have possibly expected. You never know what the new year will bring, but give it a chance, eh?

Accepting Support

Depression is the great isolator. It makes you believe that you aren't worth helping, that your feelings aren't important, and that you shouldn't bother other people with your problems. These things aren't true, but they feel true a lot of the time. I have long struggled with pulling away and refusing support from people who sincerely want to be there for me when I'm having a hard time, be it with depression, anxiety, or physical health problems. My natural instinct is to deal with my problems by myself so I won't bother anyone. However, I have come to learn over the past few months that some people really do want to be there for you, support you, and help you in any way they can when you are struggling. I have finals in a week and I still have so much to do that my anxiety is going into extreme overdrive. I've been worried that I won't be able to pull it off. Tonight I was talking about everything I have to do this week and how I didn't think I'd be able to get it done to my boyfriend and he told me that he would help me in any way he could. My first thought was that he has things to do too and didn't need to deal with me and my stuff as well. But then I gauged his sincerity and could tell that he meant it; that no matter what he had going on, he honestly wanted to help me. There are people like that out there. You may even be thinking of one in your own life as you read this. You don't have to push away the people who love you and can actually help you in some small way because you think they shouldn't have to. They want to, because they care about you. No matter what your depression tells you, please don't push away the people who love you. I've done it before and it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made, because then I was suicidal and completely alone instead of suicidal but with a support system that helped. Don't let your brain convince you that you aren't loved and don't deserve support.

The Little Things

I have depression and I find joy in the little things. I have to, or I'd drown. I am fighting a constant battle against my brain. So when I have some reprieve, I have trained myself to be happy about little good things that I can find and be happier than the average person would be about them. Things like unmatched crazy socks, sweaters with sleeves that are too long for my arms, the color purple, or even seeing ducks waddling around my college campus make me ridiculously happy. Several years ago they wouldn't have. I would have most likely ignored these things, or if they did make me happy, it was for maybe two seconds. Now I grin widely and laugh with delight about these things. And the joy is genuine. For a long time paying extra attention to the good things was something I made myself do as a coping strategy. Now the little things I notice actually make me happy. I feel like the happiness I feel about this little good things helps compensate for the other things. Yes, I get really depressed. But I also get really happy about things most people don't even notice. It's helped me to keep going more times than I can count, and I'm a happier and more positive person than I was before as a result. It can be tricky getting started but if you make it a habit it can help so much. I highly recommend it.

Don't Be Alone

This is one I've struggled with for a long time. When I'm depressed, I hate myself and already feel like a burden. The last thing I want to do is be around people to burden them even more (even though I've been assured by multiple people that this isn't true, and logically know it isn't, but depression isn't abut logic). Monday was the worst I've been in months. I woke up first thing in the morning so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I nearly didn't. I missed the first bus and barely made it to class. All day horrible, untrue depressive thoughts swirled in my head. I had forty minutes left of my shift at work and I was considering just leaving early and not meeting my boyfriend after work like I planned. I didn't want him to see me like that and be more of a burden, so I considered sneaking out five minutes early and running for my life to catch the earlier bus and then texting him saying I went home early because I wasn't feeling well (which was certainly true). But I didn't. I figured I should stick it out and tell him in person. So I did. He asked me if I was feeling any better because at this point I'd had a headache for two days straight and I admitted that the headache was bad but the depression was worse and I just wanted to go home after I picked up a couple things from the campus book store. He offered to come over for a little while before he had to go to an activity and I agreed only because I didn't want to be stuck alone with my thoughts. That ended up being the right decision because he talked to me and reassured me and in the end I felt quite a bit better. I was still sort of numb but not hating myself quite so much. Bless him for being there for me. If you aren't comfortable talking about it with people, it's still beneficial to be around other people just so you aren't stuck alone with your terrible thoughts. I have a friend who doesn't like being alone for this reason, so she fills her life with things to do and people to be around so she has as little time alone to think as possible. I think it's a really good strategy. I know that when you're depressed all you want is to be away from people. Believe me, I know. I isolated myself for years and that honestly made things so much worse. Like I said, you don't have to confide in the people you're with if you don't want to. Just being around them and listening to them talk can still be tremendously helpful.

Therapy

This is a tricky one because therapy can be all over the place. I've had good, bad, and so-so therapists on and off over the past six years. I've come to realize that while a therapist who gets you is incredibly important, it's also noteworthy that therapy only helps you as much as you let it. Yes, I know that sounds cliche. But take it from someone with experience. It didn't start helping me until I let it and actually wanted to get better. Is it still hard? Yes. Do I still have a long road ahead of me? Yes. But right now I have a therapist who actually seems to understand what I'm about and validate my feelings without letting me drown in them. It's really nice. I feel like I could actually make real progress by doing this. If you're on the fence about therapy for whatever reason (believe me, I've experienced plenty of my own), please try it. Talking to a professional really can help, especially if you find the right one for you.

Highs and Lows

Contrary to popular belief, depression isn't static. People with depression aren't 100% depressed 100% of the time. Even during the worst of it, I had reprieves. I'd goof off and laugh or something good would happen and I'd feel better for a little while. Of course, the depression would come back. The way I see it is like a heart monitor. Depression is the flat line. Bits of happiness or even okayness are blips on the monitor. Depending on the condition of the heart, there may be more or less blips. When things are bad, the heartbeat is slow. When things are good, the heart is racing. The point is, as long as we're still alive and still fighting, there will always be those blips. There's always something to hope for. Right now my life is really good. My living situation isn't toxic anymore. My new job isn't as stressful as the old one. I have a wonderful boyfriend. But I still have depression. When overwhelmed, I shut down. When I have too much time to think, it's a downward spiral. Just like how there are good parts of life when the depression is really bad, there are still depressed parts when life is really good. I was talking to my mom on the phone maybe a week ago and was telling her how happy I was. She was thrilled for me but warned me not to give up when things got bad again. I told her that I wouldn't because I've been expecting it. She knows, as I do, that it's very likely they will get bad again because that's just how depression is. Even when things are really, really good, there is always the apprehensive part of me bracing myself for it to come back and knock me over again. There's an old adage, "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." That's what I'm trying to do. Yes, the depression will probably come back. But there are always reasons to keep going. Always. Because even when the depression tries to crush me, I know that things will be okay again.

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I wore yellow. I wore my To Write Love On Her Arms shirt. I wrote the word "love" on my arm. I talked about it with someone who asked about my attire. I have posted about it on every social media platform I am a part of, and I still cannot stress just how important this is. Every day should be World Suicide Prevention Day because I feel like it's the only day that talking about this stuff is socially acceptable. People "like" it on Facebook or Instagram but for the rest of the year might not give it another thought. But for so many people, suicide is the reality every single day. I've been there myself. I know how hard it is. But now, three years later, I can say with confidence that life is worth it and that I am so grateful to be alive. Things might not get better tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. But isn't the idea that things WILL get better if you give it time reason enough to try? It might not seem so in the moment. In fact, it really doesn't seem so in the moment (like I said, I've been there). But there are so many beautiful, wonderful things in the world that only you can do. You are so infinitely important because there is no one in the world who has the exact same experiences, viewpoints, talents, etc that you do. There is only one you. You deserve to be happy. You are worth fighting for. You have so much to live for, even if you can't see it right now. I wish I could hug every depressed/suicidal person in the world and tell them that they are not alone and that they are worth so so much, but I can't. All I can do is be there for the people in my life who struggle with this and post about it on the internet. I really hope that these heartfelt words are able to get through to at least one person today. There's this beautiful video To Write Love On Her Arms put out today that I think everyone with depression should watch. So I'll just leave that here.

Bedding

Okay, this one's going to seem a little weird, but bear with me. I was feeling pretty bad last night. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. I had a headache and a stomachache. I was generally just not feeling well. But yesterday I had seen pillows for sale at my Walmart Neighborhood Market (you know, the kind that's just a grocery store and generally doesn't have things like pillows) and bought one. When I woke up this morning I felt so much better. Part of it I attribute to not having my neck be "supported" by a pillow that was almost completely flat in the middle. I should have replaced it months ago but I don't have a car so couldn't walk to any stores that sold pillows because they were too far away. Seriously though, how your bed feels makes a difference. I've heard it from multiple sources that a good way to help with depression is to wash your sheets frequently. I have absolutely no idea why it works, but I've tried it and it actually does. Sleep is supposed to be the great healer. Everyone always talks about the importance of a good night's sleep. So why shouldn't the place you sleep be important as well? I've already mentioned the importance of having a clean room on this blog, but what about having your bed be fresh? Clean sheets, a new pillow...give it a shot. The physical difference is real.

Goals

Having goals, or something to look forward to, really helps me keep going. I like making lists. I have had a notebook containing my bucket list in it since I was seventeen years old and finally decided I wanted to live. Over the years I have taken great pleasure in checking off some of the boxes. Graduating high school. Getting my first kiss. Swimming with a dolphin (that one was particularly exciting). Goals help revamp my energy as well as giving me something to look forward to. Today I started another list with the goal of buying all the books I have checked out from the library/read more than five times over the course of my life (give or take). I am a huge reader, so this is a daunting task. So far I’ve compiled a list of 72 books that fit this criterion and I’m probably missing a bunch. But for some reason I’m really excited about the prospect of seeing this list grow smaller and my collection grow bigger. It gives me something to look forward to, even though this will probably take years to accomplish and I’ll end up getting most (if not all) thoroughly secondhand. Filling up a bunch of bookshelves is a relatively minor goal. But goal setting in general helps keep you focused on moving forward so I highly recommend it, especially for when things get tough.

Someone Who Gets It

I don’t know why, but I find it extremely helpful when I talk to someone who has had similar mental illness related experiences to me. When that happens I can be completely candid and tell it like I see it/feel it without having to worry about being misconstrued or seen as a total weirdo or get false sympathy or anything like that. When I talk to someone who’s also been there (if not in 100% the same way, because no two cases are exactly the same) I feel validated. I feel less alone. I feel like there’s somebody who gets it and that’s important. I have often said that depression is the great isolator, but honestly, all mental illness tends to be isolating. It twists your head around until you believe that you are completely alone and no one else could possibly understand so why bother? Talking to someone else who knows a little of what you are going through helps dispel these concerns. I’ve found personally that talking about it does help (unless of course you’re talking about it 24/7 and not allowing yourself to move forward), but it works so much better if the person you’re talking to actually understands as opposed to someone who loves you but just doesn’t get it and often accidentally says the wrong thing. I have several people in my life who I love dearly and appreciate when they try to make me feel better but it just doesn’t work. Talking about it with someone who legitimately understands is surprisingly therapeutic. Especially if you’re both working towards similar goals and can bounce ideas off each other. I did that a little bit earlier this week and it really helped me.

Something I Saw On Facebook

So I saw this post on Facebook that spoke to me. It said, "Suffering from depression? Just exercise a lot, socialize more, eat better, and do all the other things depression prevents you from doing." The sarcasm in that post was beautiful. Seriously though. People expect a lot of us when we aren't feeling up to doing things that will make us feel better. I know that a lot of the things I post about on here are of that nature (I'm sorry!) because they're things I've tried that have worked for me with my depression. I'm aware that it can still probably seem like "ugh, well you don't know anything." Believe me, I know. There are many aspects of depression that are very individualistic so obviously there isn't some big cure-all. I'm just trying to offer up a few ideas that I've seen work before. Options. Options are good. So I would like to apologize for being "that person" sometimes. I especially hate when people tell me to exercise. I know that it helps because of the few times I've done it. But a good 96% of the time I just can't muster the energy or motivation or anything to do it and end up being a burrito of sadness cocooned in a blanket or two staring blankly at a TV screen when people give me that little nugget of advice. None of this stuff works anyway unless you want it to. Wanting to get better is half the battle. I was actively suicidal (wanting to kill myself) for two years before transitioning to passively suicidal (wanting to die but not wanting to actually end my life) for another two years before getting to just plain depressed (everything feels pointless but I want to live). I wasn't able to move from active to passive until I decided I wanted to live. It took a while to get out of that mindset because I'd been stuck in it for so long but I was able to get out. No matter how deep you are in, it is possible to get out. Just keep trying. No matter what, keep trying until you find things that work for you. You can do this. I believe in you.

Things Get Better

I have been pretty depressed the past few days. But then today at work I started thinking about how I'm going to be twenty in two months. I didn't even think I'd make it to seventeen. Honestly, I was planning to kill myself the day before my seventeenth birthday because sixteen was the worst year of my life and every year from ten to sixteen had just gotten worse and worse and I didn't think I'd be able to handle a year that was worse than sixteen. I didn't want to risk it. Now here I am almost three years later and I am grateful to be alive every day. Even on the really, really bad days where the depression and anxiety threaten to crush me I am still glad that I'm still here and still have a chance to make things better. Even when things started to get better a couple years ago it was still incredibly hard and I barely noticed that things were any better at all until I got an outsider's perspective from my mom. Even now, when things are infinitely better than they were even six months ago, I still have moments where I believe my life is completely miserable and want to give up. I was certainly feeling that way a few weeks ago, helpless, and like I was stuck in a bad situation permanently. Then things started to get better. I got out of my toxic living environment with roommates who treated me like I was pond scum last weekend. Now I have a roommate that could very easily become a good friend. Just tonight I heard back from someone I interviewed with offering me a job so I can quit the job that's currently draining me of all energy and willpower. Things felt completely hopeless on both of these counts two weeks ago. I was a mess and felt like my life was spiraling out of control and that nothing would ever be okay and I'd just be stuck in those bad situations forever. Now I'm free. I promise you, if you don't give up, things will get better. I can't guarantee when. It might seem like it takes forever. But it will happen. Don't give up, no matter what the situation is or how you feel about it. You can do this. I believe in you.

Why Me

Don't ask yourself that question. It's seriously unhealthy. Earlier today I went on a sort of "why me" binge and left it feeling more depressed than ever. Then I thought about it. Asking "why me" doesn't make the situation better. It doesn't make you feel like anything is going to be okay. It facilitates the depression. It makes it worse. Asking "why me" is toxic, especially if you're trying to heal. Asking "why me" basically is your way of validating to yourself that your life sucks, you suck, everything sucks, and so you don't have to do anything to get out of it because there is nothing that can be done. I am guilty of this! But when I am able to think rationally I realize how unproductive and problematic it really is. Don't ask yourself "why me." Ask yourself what you can do to try to make things better, no matter how much you may think that things will never get better. That is a lie your brain is feeding to you. Things can always get better. Don't let yourself ask those bad questions that hinder progress and make things worse. If you catch yourself, stop yourself in your tracks.

Baking

This week has been rather depressing. I needed to snap myself out of it before I got any deeper and gave into it fully so I decided to do something lighthearted and fun. I baked a breakfast cake. There's something very cheerful about cracking eggs, whisking wet ingredients, and getting flour everywhere. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because I'm doing something productive? Because I'm treating myself? I'm not exactly sure of the reasons, but it makes me feel better. Then when the baking is done I get to enjoy the deliciousness and I've previously expressed my opinions about certain types of foods being potentially helpful. Anything hot and straight out of the oven is definitely on that list. On a different note, I want you all to know that giving up is never worth it. I was having a really hard time with something important to me this week and it fell through twice (to my great disappointment) before working the third time. If I hadn't been persistent about trying to make it happen after failing repeatedly, I would still be stuck where I don't want to be. So when it seems like nothing ever works out for you (like it did for me especially this week), don't give up. Something good will happen if you keep trying, I promise.

Change

Change is the bane of the depressed. At least, it is for me when I'm depressed. My brain tells me "What's the point? Nothing's going to get better. It'l probably get worse." Or if I really do want to make a change, I usually have no motivation to do so whatsoever, and try to just deal with bad situations I'm stuck in. For about six months, I've been stuck in a terrible roommate situation. My roommate yells a lot and takes her frustrations out on me. Coming home often feels like a bomb is about to go off and I spend most of my time shut up in my room trying to avoid her. Tons of people have told me that I need to just move, but I kept putting them off. I was used to being here. I was afraid of change. I kept telling myself that I could stick it out for a few more months until she moved in August and somebody else took her room. I kept myself in a harmful situation that was most definitely NOT helping my depression (in fact, it quite often made it worse) because I didn't want to make a change. Then I went home for a few weeks. I felt loved and wanted. There were still days where I was depressed, but there were people there who actually treated me like they wanted me around and tried to make me laugh and gave me hugs and I realized then that I didn't need to be in the kind of toxic environment I was in and that I needed to move. I'd been waffling about this decision for six months and when I was home it came to me loud and clear that I needed to move. I immediately looked into housing options. I put up an ad to sell my own apartment contract. I even started packing. Despite my fears, I had to physically act on making that change happen instead of just wishing or debating it out in my head. Now I have somewhere else to go and someone to buy my contract. Everything will probably be finalized this week. I'm still apprehensive about the change, because I've become comfortable (if that's the right word) where I am. But I don't want to be okay with my life when it's not the kind of life I really want to be living. Which is why I faced my fears and took a chance on change. Having something to do, something to look forward to, has definitely helped with my depression this week. I challenge all of you to make some sort of change this week. It doesn't have to be as major as moving. It could be something as simple as changing the way you walk to work and getting in some new scenery. Just try something to break up the monotony. Depression makes everything seem bland, repetitive, and meaningless. So spice things up a bit by breaking a habit or two and see what happens.

Happy Place

Have you ever been told "go to your happy place"? I have, and I was always kind of frustrated because I didn't really have one. Then today happened. I went to the beach with my family. The weather was great. The waves were massive and once I got past the coldness of the water, I spent over an hour boogeyboarding and jumping in the waves with my sister. After this, I wrapped myself in a towel, laid down on a beach blanket, and began to reread one of my favorite books while laying on my back. That was where I discovered my happy place, because as I lay there on my back, looking up at the perfectly blue sky, smelling the salty air, hearing the waves crash, holding a Kindle in my hands, and being surrounded by my siblings, I was 100% relaxed. That NEVER happens for me. I always have a baseline of anxiety. But not today. I was enjoying being near the ocean (one of my favorite things) and just savoring the moment. Now I have a happy place. When I'm stressed or lonely or depressed I will have that memory of when I was perfectly happy and content. It's a comforting thought. If you don't have a happy place yet, Ii recommend trying to find one. It might surprise you where it'll come from or when it will happen. But I promise, there are good things in life, and it is possible to find a moment where you are perfectly happy that you can hold on to when things get bad. Give it a shot.

Inspirational Quotes

I know this might seem cheesy, but bear with me. Last night I was utterly depressed. It hadn't been that bad in a while, so I knew it would rear its ugly head sooner or later but I didn't expect it to show up at midnight after I'd had a good day filled with family and fun. In hindsight I suppose I should have. It tends to manifest itself worse in the middle of the night and worse after good things happen, like my brain is trying to tell me that I don't deserve good things (which is not true). So I was feeling depressed last night. I was thoroughly hating my life, myself, basically everything, and my sister refused to talk to me anymore because I was "bagging on" myself. So I was left alone in my misery, needing to talk and having nowhere to go. I ended up writing a rather depressing post on one of my other blogs and adding an inspirational quote from Pinterest to the end to make it seem less depressing. But when I went to find a quote to include, I found a bunch of other quotes that I had already pinned that hit me like a ton of bricks. Surprisingly, those quotes set on hipster-y background images made me feel better-enough that I could go to sleep. Considering how when I'm depressed I have a really hard time falling asleep, that was rather helpful. I don't know if you guys have Pinterest accounts, but if you do, check out the quotes section. If not, use Google image search for inspirational quotes. They might actually work.

Stigma

I was talking to my cousin yesterday and we ended up on the topic of depression, as we often do. We both have it and have supported each other through it being far away from home at college many a time. I asked her how she was doing and she told me and then she asked how I was doing and I said I'd been very stressed lately (it is the end of the semester after all) but that I'd just hit my two and a half year mark. She got really excited for me and sort of gushed about how amazing it was for about five minutes. And you know what? It is pretty amazing. The truly sad part is that nobody else cares about this sort of thing. I find it unfair that talking about being sober for a certain amount of time if you're an alcoholic or drug addict is inspiring and everyone congratulates you but talking about overcoming self-harm is not acceptable. This is largely due to the stigma associated with mental illness. I believe that understanding leads to acceptance and that understanding and acceptance together can lead to the destigmatization of mental health issues. Self-harm is an addiction, just like alcoholism, drugs, or even gambling. Like any addiction, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to overcome. What I find interesting (and sad) is that when recovering alcoholics or other addicts are in the recovery process and hit significant milestones, people make a big deal of it and think along the lines of, "oh you're getting better, it doesn't matter what you did in the past." So why don't people have that same accepting mentality for recovering self-harmers? Recovering from that sort of addiction is just as difficult and deserves the same sort of acceptance. Because of this stigma, whenever I have hit milestones I haven't really had anyone to tell other than a handful of people who already knew that I was something I struggled with. It's not something I share often. I have a really hard time sharing my story, but lately I've been thinking more and more about how much I want to make a difference in the destigmatization of mental illness and helping people realize there is a way out of their brains and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How important that is to me helped me overcome some of my reservations about the matter. I'm really a very private person who always admires those who are brave enough to share their stories and how they healed. So I'm going to share a little bit right now: my name is Mallory and I haven't cut myself for 2 1/2 years as of this week. Being able to make that much progress is something to be proud of. So for anyone else out there struggling with something similar, I promise there is a way out. I don't care if you've managed to stay clean for a day, a week, a month, or a decade. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are overcoming a lot of powerful chemical reactions in your body and your brain. You're trying to get better, and that isn't something to be ashamed of. And I believe in you.

Writing

I have found that writing is rather therapeutic. I write stories where the main character has certain parts of my personality and in the end she gets a happy ending. I write depressing but oddly hopeful poetry that somehow makes me feel better. I write about my feelings. I vent to paper or a Word document like I can't to people. I write letters to people that I'll never send. I write letters to past and future versions of myself. Writing is a wonderful tool because when you write (at least when you write in a private place) you are able to get your feelings out without casting all your problems onto another person. A lot of people aren't equipped to listen to the depressed talk (believe me, I know, I've been there) so why not get it all out in a way that won't hurt anyone? It needs to come out anyway. Writing has helped me a ton with my own depression. It almost always makes me feel better, even if just a little bit. It's worth a shot, isn't it?

Looking Back

Tonight I filled up the last pages of another journal. Of course, as every time I finish a journal, I was inspired to go back and flip through old ones. I'm not surprised how much of some of my older journals were filled with suicidal thoughts, but I am surprised at the frequency of those kinds of entries in my journal from just a year ago. Looking back at all this made me realize the full extent of my transition. I hadn't even noticed when the change had really happened. Seeing all those old entries also made me realize how bad it was. It's honestly a miracle that I am still here today to type this. But you know what? I am so freaking greateful that I am still here to type this. Even after everything, even after how completely horrible it was and how close I was to the edge, I am still here. And I'm happy! Not every day, not every second, and I'll never be mistaken for Little Miss Sunshine, but I'm relatively content with where I am and the progress I'm making in life. Giving up seemed inevitable not that long ago. I didn't think I could make it another day but I did. I am so glad I did! Honestly, I feel like I'm going to cry right now (happy tears) because of how amazing this is. Guys, I promise you, it may seem infinite, it may seem hopeless, but I swear to you that it does get better and someday you won't regret the effort you put into fighting this. No matter how severe or not severe your depression is, fighting it is always worth it. Not giving up is always worth it. I know it seems like it lasts forever but it really doesn't. It ends. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but it does end. Always. As long as you keep going. To everyone out there still fighting against their own brains, you are amazing, and I love you.

Warmth

Warmth worked its wonders on me today. But first, a bit about it. Warm things generally make people feel better. Soup is a widespread comfort food. Hot tubs are where people go to relax. Laundry straight out of the dryer is indescribable. Warmth is both relaxing and comforting. Today I got some really bad news and felt the panic building. I still had quite a bit of homework to do and couldn't afford to fall apart then. So I immediately set to make myself a large mug of hot chocolate. As I let it cool down before drinking it, I gripped the mug with both hands, letting the heat seep into my skin. Focusing on the heat in my hands and closing my eyes and taking deep breaths did the trick. I was able to calm down enough to do my homework. Using warmth to your advantage doesn't have to be that dramatic. You can just wrap yourself in a cozy sweatshirt or bathrobe or take a nice warm bath for a while. The benefits would probably be the same. If you really want to feel good, run a nice big blanket through the wash (cleaning things helps too, but I'll talk about that later) and wrap it around yourself when it's fresh out of the dryer. It's very soothing.

Animals

Animals (most specifically cats) have always been super helpful when I've dealt with depression. Pets love you unconditionally and a lot of the them are quite skilled at discerning moods and act a certain way in an effort to make you feel better. Several years ago my mom went outside into the yard when she was having a panic attack. My cat Alice, who was off hunting frogs or something in the garden, came over to my mom and curled up next to her until she calmed down. Mind you, Alice hates loud noises and my mom was hyperventilating. That's definitely loud. Once my mom had calmed down, Alice simply got up and trotted away as if nothing had happened. Over the years, various cats I've owned have sensed my distress and come over and curled up in my lap and purred when I was sobbing my heart out or even when I was just quietly depressed. I'm a cat lady, so my examples are all about cats, but I've heard stories about dogs doing similar things to help their owners. If you can't have pets where you are (like me) I highly recommend volunteering at an animal shelter. I volunteered at a kitten shelter about an hour away almost every week last summer and I loved it. My depression had flared up again and on the days I went to the shelter it wasn't as bad. I was happy interacting with all those precious little furballs. Give it a try!

Sunshine

I know I've already posted something (a long time ago but still) about going outside. Seriously though guys, don't underestimate the power of sunshine. When people are in the hospital for prolonged periods of time, they are generally given vitamin D supplements. Why? Because they're stuck inside and missing out on the benefits of the sun! Lack of vitamin D and depression are correlated. Vitamin D won't fix all of your depression-related problems but it can be helpful in addition to other treatments. Being outside in the sunshine can help boost your vitamin D levels and possibly your mood as well. Instead of going inside to read, today I read my book outside on campus. It was nice feeling the sun on my legs and arms and just basking in the warmth. Give it a shot. It might not work for you, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Music

A few weeks ago, everyone in my Writing in Psychology class did individual presentations on the papers they had been writing all semester. One girl did hers on the effect music has on mood. She said that research has shown, contrary to popular belief, that listening to sad music when you're feeling down does not make you feel better. It actually prolongs and intensifies the feelings of sadness. If this applies to people who are just going through a breakup or something, it definitely applies to the clinically depressed. I'll admit that I listened to a lot of depressing music when I was in dealing with the worst of my own depression. It was probably a contributing factor to why it lasted so long. Cheesy as it may be, I've found that listening to Disney music or musicals has been a lot more helpful for mood boosting. Those types of music are generally more upbeat. I know how it's easier to identify with sad music when you're depressed, but give happy music a try. It might help.

Always Keep Fighting

Today sucked. I mean it really, really sucked. Absolutely nothing went right. A few years ago, this would have made me suicidal. But now? Now I'm drained but still looking forward to tomorrow. That in and of itself is kind of a miracle. I want you guys to know that no matter what, it can get better. I've been talking a lot about positive affirmations and making yourself believe things lately. Seriously guys, it works. I've been working on that for a really long time and granted, it has been slow going, but it works. It really works. What would have completely derailed me and caused me to sink into the depths of depression not too long ago now is just a minor setback. Just a bad day, not a bad life. This kind of change is possible, but you have to keep working at it no matter what. I know how easy it is to give up, believe me. I've given up and started over too many times to count in the past few months alone. But somehow I always managed to keep going. Jared Padalecki, an actor from a show I really like, is involved in this wonderful campaign right now called Always Keep Fighting that is hand in hand with my favorite non-profit, To Write Love On Her Arms. I really like the way it's described in this article. Mental illness is definitely a battle, but it's one worth fighting, because it really can get better. If you keep trying every day, over time you'll be able to realize the progress you've made, even if you can't see it in the moment.

Right Around the Corner

Something I do when I want to give up (which is unfortunately quite often) is tell myself that something good is right around the corner. The thing is, when I really believe that, I am able to better recognize the good things that do happen. Here's an example. If I am really depressed and drowning in the hopelessness then somebody does something nice for me like bring me gluten free cookies I might smile for a couple minutes but then once the cookies are gone I'm back to feeling completely dejected and drained of all hope. But if I'm depressed and have myself convinced that something good is right around the corner, I would acknowledge the cookies as something good happening to me, proving myself right. Then it can go on to bigger things the next day and the day after that and so on. If you are expecting good things to happen, you will better be able to recognize them when they do. And don't get me wrong, I am NOT an optimist by nature. Quite the opposite, actually. But psuedo-optimism can actually get you pretty far. Just give it a try, see how it works out. Like I said about daily affirmations though, you really have to be convinced or it won't work. Good luck, guys. Hope you're handling things well wherever you are and whatever you're dealing with. Hang in there.

Daily Affirmations

I know this is going to sound really cheesy, but seriously, it helps. If you look in the mirror and repeat the same things over and over again while looking into your own eyes, it works. Of course you have to have the right attitude about it. You have to say it with some meaning instead of just as a "oh whatever I'll do this but it's stupid" sort of thing. If there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that repetition is seriously effective, for both good or ill. If you are repeatedly told you are worthless, and then the word cycles endlessly through your head, you believe you are worthless. Similar tactics need to be used to combat that sort of negative self-talk. It's easier for negative things to root in your head, but if you repeat something positive long enough with enough conviction, you'll start to believe it. It's not going to happen overnight. It takes serious time and effort. But positive affirmations really do work. I wouldn't be doing half as well as I am right now overall without them. A year ago on Sunday, I wrote out this thing called the Mallory Manifesto (dorky, I know, but that's my style) and hung it on the wall near my door so I'd see it every time I left my room. I don't read it thoroughly every time I see it, but sometimes I just stop and look at it and think about how I was when I wrote that. I was pretty depressed and things seemed hopeless, but I was determined to pull myself out because I'd been in too deep for too long. So I wrote out a list of statements I needed to remember, signed it, dated it, and stuck it to the wall. Some of those negative things don't affect me as much anymore because I've managed to drill their positive opposites into my head. I can personally vouch for the power of daily affirmations, so long as you take them seriously and really ponder on them. I challenge all of you who struggle with certain negative thoughts that won't go away to write out a list of their positive opposites and put it somewhere you'll see it often: the mirror, by the door, over your bed. For example, if you think "I am not worth anything" write down "I am worth so much" and so on. Cheesy as it may seem, it really can work if you let it.

Lighthearted

I've been pretty depressed the past couple of days, and this morning, I just did not want to get out of bed. I lay there for a while just staring at the ceiling, thinking of nothing but how much I didn't want to do anything today. I ended up going to class and work anyway out of a sense of necessity. But I did a few things that helped me lessen the gloom a bit. For one, I wore a shirt entirely covered in pictures of cat faces. Said shirt inspired a conversation with someone in my stats class and I ended up laughing and enjoying talking, which definitely helped. Secondly, I ate a Charms Blow Pop. A giant one, mind you, so it was kind of hard to fit in into my mouth at first, which made eating it super awkward. I was laughing at how ridiculous I must look because I was eating it as I walked to work and everyone who passed me must have wondered what the heck a college student was doing with a giant sucker. Once I finally got past that bit, I got to the bubblegum center and commenced in blowing rather large bubbles. I've always been a champion bubble blower; whenever my sister and I got into contests as a kid, I'd win. It was something silly and lighthearted and a little bit ridiculous that brought back positive memories. It returned some sense of normalcy and helped me feel a little better. If there's something silly and innocent that you can add to your days, do it. Even if it's as simple as getting a beloved childhood candy and going to town with it. The options are limitless, and it'll break up the nothingness a bit.

When Feeling Overwhelmed

This has more to do with anxiety than depression, but here I go. Sometimes, we all get swamped. There is just so much going on at work or school or in our families or with our friends or some combination of all of these. Everyone goes through that. But when you have anxiety and have a ridiculous amount of things going on at once, you feel like you're in over your head and start drowning. This week, I have a crazy amount of things going on. I already gave one group presentation in class but have an individual presentation tomorrow that I haven't even finished yet. I also have reading homework, stats homework, and a sevenish page paper going on this week. Next week is busy too, but I don't even get the opportunity to relax because I have a lot going on over the weekend as well (which is unusual for me). But I haven't allowed myself to panic, which is half the battle. Once you give in to the panic or the stress and break down, it's so much harder to pull yourself together again enough to finish the mountain of things before you. Panic attacks are not fun, and should be avoided at all costs. A few things that might help you when you have too much to do: 1. Time manage. Carefully plot out what you have time for and what you don't, and manage what time you do have well. For example, if you have to read something for a class or for work and take the bus every day, read it while waiting at the bus stop or while on the bus. Maximize your time. 2. At the same time, don't try to cram too much into a limited time frame or your brain will fry. Just make sure that you account for the breaks you need in your schedule so you don't have a two hour break then not finish whatever you needed to finish or stay up until 3 AM and then end up running on no sleep. 3. Make sure you're eating real meals. When busy I know it's easier to grab a handful of chips or something but that's not enough to sustain you and you need your brain and your body at full capacity. I hope these things are at least somewhat useful and that whatever craziness anyone out there may be experiencing, that you're able to handle it. I believe in you. :)

Movies

I was feeling really depressed today. When I got home, I was at a loss of what to do, but I ended up perusing my limited selection of DVDs and came across She's The Man. I hadn't watched that movie since I was probably fourteen years old, so I figured, what the heck. I had seriously forgotten how funny that movie was, and literally laughed out loud every few minutes. When it was over, I couldn't help but think how much I needed to laugh like that. So if you are feeling depressed, I recommend watching a funny movie. Something so ridiculous and lighthearted and awkward it's guaranteed to make you laugh. I think I've mentioned this before, but laughter really, really helps. So watch a movie you like. It might help lift your spirits. If you want to go all out, make popcorn or hot chocolate and curl up under a big blanket. Make yourself comfortable, and enjoy. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves and take the time to relax. Comedies are a good way to go.

Self Perception

Self perception is a HUGE part of depression. If you're depressed, there's a pretty good chance you don't like yourself, or worse. Negative self perception feeds the depression: feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, a sense of failure, or a lack of purpose are examples. However, our self perceptions are often very, very skewed. Especially the negative ones. We tend to believe that we are worse than we are. Why, I have no clue. I'd be interested in doing some research on that topic. I'm writing a paper for one of my classes and actually just read an article about self consciousness as related to depression and it was fascinating. In this article, depression was found to be related to something called private self-consciousness that has to do with things like attitude consistency and internal awareness. Anyway, that was a bit off topic. My point is, our negative self perceptions can fuel our depression and make it a lot worse. Take a minute and think about yourself. Think about the things you like. The things you don't like. For the things you don't like, take an extra long time to ponder whether or not these things are actually accurate. If possible, even get a second opinion. I was talking to someone this morning and further on in the conversation she told me that I'm not nearly as socially inept as I believe myself to be. Believing that I fail at all things that have to do with people is one of my most significant negative self perceptions. When I really thought about it, I realized that I'm not as bad as I tend to portray myself. Sure, I make the occasional faux pas, but who doesn't? I tend to internally over exaggerate the severity of things I feel the need to work on. When I get on the "I'm so horrible with people, I suck at being a person" train because some little thing happened at school that got blown way out of proportion, my depression gets worse. Don't let that happen to you. I know it can be hard, but once you recognize that your negative self perceptions are not as accurate as you think they are, it doesn't affect you as much. Believe me, recognizing that you aren't actually all that bad really helps. It's the first step to believing that you are good or worth it, which you definitely are! Hang in there, guys. You can do this.

People

I know that when I'm depressed, the last thing I want to do is be around people, because what do people care? Depression is an alienating disease. It makes you believe that nobody loves you or cares what happens to you. Of course, this isn't true, because I can guarantee that everyone out there has at least one person who cares about them, whether they believe it or not. Honestly, isn't that one person enough to fight for? A best friend, a parent, a sibling, an extended family member, a child. Everyone has someone who loves them-someone who needs them. Even if we can't function for ourselves sometimes, we should still try to function for them. Looking back at my deepest darkest period of depression, I realize how scared my loved ones were. They may not have always known how to handle me, but they still cared. That's point one, that there are always people who care about you that can be a motivator to keep fighting it. Point two: being around people can help lift the depression a little. Even if it's something as simple as just watching TV with somebody else. Being around people every once in a while helps you feel less isolated, and isolation is a huge part of depression. I know it's draining to be around people when you're depressed. I know you may feel like they don't want you there, or that you don't want to be around anyone, but it definitely helps. It doesn't have to be all day every day. But at least once a week, you should try to do something at least semi-social. I find that when I get out more and do things with people, I feel better. Humans are essentially social creatures that need relationships to thrive. I have social anxiety as well as depression, and am a true blue introvert, so I understand that not everybody needs the same level of social stimulation. Find what works for you so you don't feel so alone. Even if the people you're hanging out with don't know what's going on, just being around them can be beneficial. Try to go do something with a friend or family member this week. It might help.

Proud of You

So I was walking through the student center earlier this week and I saw this box that was for valentines where you just anonymously write who you love on a heart shaped piece of paper and stick it in. Later, when I was trying to do homework, I wished I'd put down "everyone fighting depression" on a heart and stuck it in the box. Because honestly, I have the utmost love and respect for everyone who goes through this. People with depression have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning but for the most part still manage to do it anyway. They go about their business-work, school, whatever-even though all they want to do is crawl into bed and never get out. Honestly, people with depression (or any debilitating mental illness, really) who still try to live are the strongest people out there. So if you're reading this, and you feel hopeless and like the waves are coming in over your head and you just can't do it anymore, know that you can. And I'm proud of you. I don't know if that will make any difference, but I thought you should know that I am. You are stronger than you feel. You will get through this if you don't give up. I know how easy it is to just give up, so the people who don't are seriously my heroes.

Go Outside

Seriously, I cannot stress how important being outside is. I know how hard this is because when depressed all I want to do is curl up under a pile of blankets in a dimly lit room only seeing by the light of the television. But going outside and soaking up the vitamin D is important. In fact, in psych wards patients are often given vitamin D supplements because they are inside all day. Why do you think so many people suffer from seasonal affective disorder? A part of it probably has to do with the sun generally being blocked out by the clouds and the weather being too lousy to be outdoors for a sufficient length of time. I've been lucky enough this past week to enjoy some pretty great temperatures considering it's February in Utah, and have taken this opportunity to spend a little extra time outside doing things like going on walks and reading outside instead of inside. It helps. Plus I think just being outside and breathing air that hasn't been in a small room for too long is beneficial. It generally works for me, especially when it's nice out. Revel in the outdoors, people. Whenever you get the opportunity just look at the sky or take a deep breath or something and appreciate the beautiful world we live in. It's the little things.

Savor the Good Days

We all have them, even in the deepest, darkest pits of depression there are Good Days. Days where you're not as fatigued or quite as depressed or even days where you're not suicidal, depending on how severe the depression is. Days where the world doesn't seem quite as horrible as usual. When I was in the worst of my depression, I didn't even have Good Days. I had Good Hours. The thing about those Good Days or Hours or whatever the case may be is that you have to cherish them. Don't question them. Don't think about when they are going to end. Just appreciate them for what they are: a break. A reprieve. Do things you love to do but normally don't have energy for. Hang out with friends or family. Go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Get out of your pajamas and go live. I know how hard it can be to do any of those things when in the depths of depression. Sometimes it's hard to appreciate the Good Days with the mindset of "well just because I'm okay now doesn't mean anything; it'll be back." Chances are it will come back, but you need to enjoy the Good Days and hold onto them for when the bad ones do come back. Make good memories during those days and hold onto them when things get bad again so you remember that your life isn't completely horrible even though it may seem like it when you're depressed. I used to be in the same boat. During the worst of it, as soon as my Good Hour ended, I'd immediately go back to believing my life wasn't worth living because I'd already forgotten the good things that had just transpired. Even now, looking back at my senior year of high school, all I remember is the bad. There were good moments in there, I know that much, but I have a much harder time remembering them. Savoring the good times amidst so much bad can be hard, but doing it really helps you keep going. Plus when you're looking back on your life (hello, senior year) you won't be stuck with the regret that you remembering nothing positive from certain periods of your life. Seriously, half of high school is a complete blur to me because of how depressed I was. I don't recommend that to anyone. The most important thing to remember when the Good Day ends is that they will come again. Depression seems infinite when you're in it, but it really doesn't last forever, I promise.

Crying

Believe it or not, crying actually helps. Once you've let all your tears out and calmed down a bit you tend to feel better. I had a good cry today and now that I'm done I feel much more rational and ready to tackle the world. Granted, I have a bit of a headache, but crying does that to you sometimes. It's nice to let it all out though. Especially if this happens while you're talking to someone who cares. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of tears today and have seen that it does help to just talk and cry it out. Do not be afraid of tears, my friends. Though I recommend trying not to do it in public if at all possible. Like if you feel them coming on, go somewhere a little more private if you can so you won't have to deal with awkward questions from those who you may not want to see you like that. This may not work for everyone, but in my case about twenty minutes after a crying bout I generally have a laugh attack over something really stupid and that sort of completes the feeling better process. Anyway, hope you're all hanging in there and that your days manage to get better!

Food

Let us have a discussion about the importance of food. From what I've seen, one of two things happens when depressed. Either you way overdo it on the comfort foods or you can barely bring yourself to eat at all. Honestly I've had periods of time where I've done both. But I've noticed that I'm way happier when I'm eating three (relatively) balanced meals a day. I'm a college student. Most days my idea of lunch is a package of Sour Patch Watermelon or a few handfuls of prepopped packaged popcorn. Super healthy, I know. Lately though I've been trying to eat more "real food" and less junk. It has actually helped a lot. When I eat normal meals on a regular schedule there's a strange feeling of accomplishment to it. Like, "okay, I may have bombed that oral presentation, but I actually cooked myself dinner so I'm not a complete failure!" Like I said, it's weird, but still feels good. The real reason you should try to eat normally though is because it helps you be physically healthy, which actually does play a part in mental health. If you take care of your body properly you shouldn't be as fatigued and that's a huge part of depression. I am not perfect at this, seeing as the tie in between eating better and how bad my depression is has been a recent realization, but I'm trying, and honestly that's the important part. Never forget, lovely readers, that Yoda is wrong (do or do not there is no try). There IS a try, and trying definitely counts for something!