Recovering from Self-Harm

I was procrastinating writing my final history paper and came across this article on Facebook. It resonated with me because I have felt all of the things the author described. I hated myself so I cut and then I hated myself for cutting so I cut more. I haven't self-harmed in 4 years next month but I still feel that pull on especially bad days. When I first stopped, it was really hard for me to see those white lines standing out on my arm as proof of what I had done to myself. Summers were especially hard in the next year or two because the rest of my skin tanned around them and I felt like they stood out like neon signs screaming, "Look at me! Look what I did to myself!" I was paranoid that people would see them but in reality, I am the only one who does. Only two clusters are visible in most lighting. But I know where all of them are. In certain lighting I see every single one staring out at me and I feel regret that I ever felt it was necessary to hurt myself. It used to affect me a lot more than it does now. In this case, time is a healer. I don't know if the scars will ever fade, because it's been a long time and they haven't. But the effect they have on me has faded. I still sometimes feel bad when I see them. But for the most part, I accept that they are part of me. A part of me that helped shape who I am. I wouldn't be the mental health awareness advocate that I am today if I hadn't gotten those battle scars from the war with my own mind that spanned about 1/4 of my life. My scars used to make me feel ashamed every time I saw them. Now, for the most part, I see them and realize how far I've come. I'm not that 16 year old girl who hated herself anymore. I'm moving forward. Sometimes it's a slow process, but any progress is still progress. It is possible to stop self-harming, no matter how addicted you are or how hopeless it feels when you try to stop. It is possible to move past it and accept it as a part of your life's story rather than as your defining characteristic. You can do it.

From Someone Who's Been There

My friend shared this video on Facebook today and it resonated with me. I have often thought about what I would say to someone struggling with suicidal thoughts as a survivor. Similar things have been said in the video but here goes. You cannot possibly imagine how good life can get while you're going through this, but it will. It will be more than you could have dreamed of. People need you. Friends, family members, strangers you haven't met yet, they all need you. You will be happier than you thought possible. You will be so grateful that you stayed. Other people will be so grateful that you stayed and (if they know) will tell you so. You are irreplaceable. There are important things that only you can do. Someday you will look back and cry happy tears that you made it. You will be proud of yourself. You will be able to help other people experiencing this in a way that no one who hasn't been where you are can. You are worth so much. It won't seem worth it right away. It will be hard. But years from now, when you've lived a good life, you will NEVER regret not giving up. I was suicidal for about six years. I self-harmed. I attempted suicide eight times. I finally broke that hold on my mind almost two years ago. I am happy. I have a good life. I have hope and plans for the future. Most of all, I am so grateful that I got another chance to live because life is unbelievably worth it. I promise that if you stay, if you keep fighting, it will be worth it for you. You can do this. I love you. I don't know you, but I have so much love and respect for you because I've been where you are now. And I believe in you. If anyone reading this ever needs to talk, I am here. I care. I will listen. Because you are worth it.