Highs and Lows

Contrary to popular belief, depression isn't static. People with depression aren't 100% depressed 100% of the time. Even during the worst of it, I had reprieves. I'd goof off and laugh or something good would happen and I'd feel better for a little while. Of course, the depression would come back. The way I see it is like a heart monitor. Depression is the flat line. Bits of happiness or even okayness are blips on the monitor. Depending on the condition of the heart, there may be more or less blips. When things are bad, the heartbeat is slow. When things are good, the heart is racing. The point is, as long as we're still alive and still fighting, there will always be those blips. There's always something to hope for. Right now my life is really good. My living situation isn't toxic anymore. My new job isn't as stressful as the old one. I have a wonderful boyfriend. But I still have depression. When overwhelmed, I shut down. When I have too much time to think, it's a downward spiral. Just like how there are good parts of life when the depression is really bad, there are still depressed parts when life is really good. I was talking to my mom on the phone maybe a week ago and was telling her how happy I was. She was thrilled for me but warned me not to give up when things got bad again. I told her that I wouldn't because I've been expecting it. She knows, as I do, that it's very likely they will get bad again because that's just how depression is. Even when things are really, really good, there is always the apprehensive part of me bracing myself for it to come back and knock me over again. There's an old adage, "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." That's what I'm trying to do. Yes, the depression will probably come back. But there are always reasons to keep going. Always. Because even when the depression tries to crush me, I know that things will be okay again.

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I wore yellow. I wore my To Write Love On Her Arms shirt. I wrote the word "love" on my arm. I talked about it with someone who asked about my attire. I have posted about it on every social media platform I am a part of, and I still cannot stress just how important this is. Every day should be World Suicide Prevention Day because I feel like it's the only day that talking about this stuff is socially acceptable. People "like" it on Facebook or Instagram but for the rest of the year might not give it another thought. But for so many people, suicide is the reality every single day. I've been there myself. I know how hard it is. But now, three years later, I can say with confidence that life is worth it and that I am so grateful to be alive. Things might not get better tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. But isn't the idea that things WILL get better if you give it time reason enough to try? It might not seem so in the moment. In fact, it really doesn't seem so in the moment (like I said, I've been there). But there are so many beautiful, wonderful things in the world that only you can do. You are so infinitely important because there is no one in the world who has the exact same experiences, viewpoints, talents, etc that you do. There is only one you. You deserve to be happy. You are worth fighting for. You have so much to live for, even if you can't see it right now. I wish I could hug every depressed/suicidal person in the world and tell them that they are not alone and that they are worth so so much, but I can't. All I can do is be there for the people in my life who struggle with this and post about it on the internet. I really hope that these heartfelt words are able to get through to at least one person today. There's this beautiful video To Write Love On Her Arms put out today that I think everyone with depression should watch. So I'll just leave that here.