Highs and Lows

Contrary to popular belief, depression isn't static. People with depression aren't 100% depressed 100% of the time. Even during the worst of it, I had reprieves. I'd goof off and laugh or something good would happen and I'd feel better for a little while. Of course, the depression would come back. The way I see it is like a heart monitor. Depression is the flat line. Bits of happiness or even okayness are blips on the monitor. Depending on the condition of the heart, there may be more or less blips. When things are bad, the heartbeat is slow. When things are good, the heart is racing. The point is, as long as we're still alive and still fighting, there will always be those blips. There's always something to hope for. Right now my life is really good. My living situation isn't toxic anymore. My new job isn't as stressful as the old one. I have a wonderful boyfriend. But I still have depression. When overwhelmed, I shut down. When I have too much time to think, it's a downward spiral. Just like how there are good parts of life when the depression is really bad, there are still depressed parts when life is really good. I was talking to my mom on the phone maybe a week ago and was telling her how happy I was. She was thrilled for me but warned me not to give up when things got bad again. I told her that I wouldn't because I've been expecting it. She knows, as I do, that it's very likely they will get bad again because that's just how depression is. Even when things are really, really good, there is always the apprehensive part of me bracing myself for it to come back and knock me over again. There's an old adage, "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." That's what I'm trying to do. Yes, the depression will probably come back. But there are always reasons to keep going. Always. Because even when the depression tries to crush me, I know that things will be okay again.