Staying Clean

This post was copied from my other blog because I thought it needed to be shared here. I haven't cut myself for four years. Four years. Cutting is an addiction. Like any addiction, it's extremely difficult to break. You have both a physical and psychological dependence on it. Physically, the rush of chemicals you get from your brain trying to make your body feel better after you've injured it feels wonderful. When you're depressed, it makes you actually FEEL something. Psychologically, you hate yourself so you cut then you hate yourself for cutting so you cut more. This cycle is strongly reinforced by the chemical rush you get from doing so. Physical pain is a distraction from the mental pain. During my time as a self-harm addict I tried to stop multiple times. Sometimes I would go a week or two without doing it. Once I managed to go two months without cutting but every time I stopped and restarted it was so much worse. Relapsing made me do it a lot more often. When I started out, I did one or two cuts every few days. By my third or fourth relapse, I was doing a lot more cuts multiple times every day. One day in the middle of January 2013, I didn't cut. I didn't do it the next day or the next or the one after that. I didn't think I was really going to be able to stop. I thought it would be like all the other times and I became progressively more terrified of relapse. It got worse every time I did so I didn't want it to be even worse than it was. Three months passed. Then six. When I hit my year mark I was shocked. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. The desire, the desperation was still there. I experienced withdrawal symptoms. Any time something went wrong my fist instinct was to hurt myself. I frequently ended up in a ball on the floor, not allowing myself to move until the urge to hurt myself passed. I made it to two years. It was still hard. The longer I went without doing it, the harder it seemed. I wanted to give up, to go back to how I was. In times of weakness, my incredible progress didn't matter. Around the two and a half year mark I realized something. It was getting easier not to cut. Sure, I still had bad days once or twice a month where I wanted to but the rest of the time I was handling it. Three years passed. I hardly ever thought about cutting. I didn't stare disbelievingly at my scars a fraction as much as I used to. The times I wanted to hurt myself happened even less. I had someone who supported me in my quest to stay clean. Someone who, instead of thinking I was disgusting for hurting myself, thought I was amazingly strong for overcoming it. Someone who took me out to dinner to celebrate my three year mark because he thought it was an accomplishment worth recognizing. (Bless my husband.) It's been four years. I think of hurting myself once every few months. I have hope. I know I am capable of staying clean. I have support in my effort to stay clean on those days where I really want to hurt myself again. I want everyone to know that it is possible to stop. It is possible to move on and not let it run your life anymore. You deserve better than being stuck in that horrible cycle of self-harm. Your life is worth stopping. You are capable of surviving self-harm and having a happy, fulfilling life. Take it from someone who's been there. It can be done. I'm rooting for you.

Burdensome Thoughts

I have had thoughts like this so many times since my depression began. I truly believed I was a burden to others and a complete waste of time and money. There have even been times I've hated myself so much I was angry at myself for breathing better people's air, drinking better people's water, and eating better people's food. I thought I was so worthless that I didn't deserve basic human needs. This wasn't true, but the thoughts affected my life for a long time. They still occasionally do on really bad days. Being depressed doesn't make you less of a person. You still have needs: food, shelter, love (be it familial, romantic, or platonic). You are worthy of having those needs filled. You are worth so much more than you cost. You are worth so much more than the effort you think other people exert on you. You are worth everything because you are a unique, important human being. The world would be a worse place without you for so many people. The people you love you and the people who never would have been able to have an impact on. My husband tells me on a semi regular basis how grateful he is that I stayed alive long enough for him to meet me and fall in love with me because (according to him) I've changed his life for the better. You have that power too. You affect people now. You will continue to affect people for the rest of your life. Don't deprive people you've never met the chance of meeting you and potentially having their lives changed by you. No matter how much of a burden you feel, you are worth it. Always, always worth it. Those thoughts intruding in your mind are not true. They are a result of your illness and nothing more. There is no truth in them. You are worth all the time and resources in the world. You are a blessing, not a burden. There are people who want you and need you around. No matter how much those burdensome thoughts permeate your mind, please don't let them take root there. Acknowledge them for the lies they are. When you have those kinds of thoughts, remind yourself that they are just lies your brain is telling you. Convince yourself that they aren't true so when they do pop up again, you won't be as affected. I believe in you.