Looking Back

Tonight I filled up the last pages of another journal. Of course, as every time I finish a journal, I was inspired to go back and flip through old ones. I'm not surprised how much of some of my older journals were filled with suicidal thoughts, but I am surprised at the frequency of those kinds of entries in my journal from just a year ago. Looking back at all this made me realize the full extent of my transition. I hadn't even noticed when the change had really happened. Seeing all those old entries also made me realize how bad it was. It's honestly a miracle that I am still here today to type this. But you know what? I am so freaking greateful that I am still here to type this. Even after everything, even after how completely horrible it was and how close I was to the edge, I am still here. And I'm happy! Not every day, not every second, and I'll never be mistaken for Little Miss Sunshine, but I'm relatively content with where I am and the progress I'm making in life. Giving up seemed inevitable not that long ago. I didn't think I could make it another day but I did. I am so glad I did! Honestly, I feel like I'm going to cry right now (happy tears) because of how amazing this is. Guys, I promise you, it may seem infinite, it may seem hopeless, but I swear to you that it does get better and someday you won't regret the effort you put into fighting this. No matter how severe or not severe your depression is, fighting it is always worth it. Not giving up is always worth it. I know it seems like it lasts forever but it really doesn't. It ends. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but it does end. Always. As long as you keep going. To everyone out there still fighting against their own brains, you are amazing, and I love you.