Hindsight and Hope

When I was 17 I started a honeymoon fund. I thought cynically to myself that if I didn't get married by a certain point I would have had enough money to just go to Europe with my best friend. To my great shock, I did get married. I didn't get to go on a real honeymoon (we just had a weekend) because we both had classes on Monday and missing a week of college is a terrible idea. Classes just ended last week so we're finally leaving for our rather belated honeymoon this weekend. I've been looking forward to this trip for months. The money in my honeymoon fund (just barely) covers everything so we don't have to dip into our savings. It's interesting looking back that I even started this fund my freshman year of college. After my parents' divorce and my own nervous breakdown that resulted in hospitalization I really didn't think I'd end up married. But my small scrap of hope amidst all my depression-related doubts eventually led to something that makes me happy. Going back even further (and on an even larger scale) even when I was suicidal in high school I still kept my grades up. I have no idea why I did. I was legitimately planning on killing myself. There was no reason to keep my grades up when I believed I had no future. I was only going to apply to a college I knew I'd get into just so my mom wouldn't be suspicious while I figured out the best way to end my misery. She forced me to apply to the college I'd dreamed of going to since I was five as well. When I actually got in I was shocked. That news was a huge contributing factor to my desire to give life another chance. Going to college has been an amazing experience and I've grown so much as a person, done a lot of healing, and met my husband while I've been here. Somewhere in the back of my mind I must have thought I could make it after all. And I did. To all the people out there who keep trying even though they really don't know why, you'll know why when it pays off later. I promise it will if you just keep going.